funny how things can change so drastically from day to day.
the reason for yesterday's high can be tomorrow's low.
i will surround myself with books that will grow old with me in lieu of people.
sometimes i think my selfish heart has chosen tim and there is nary space nor want for any other. but a life with just tim and no other friends sounds dysfunctional and it is a burden much to big for one man's shoulders.
i am afraid that i may not be capable of maintaining such relations. i think i used to be good at friendship, but now....it is lost. all relationships require work, but perhaps, with some, i don't want to put in the hours necessary. i should put up lost posters because i want that back....
i feel life is too short to worry about such things, for even 77 years goes by much too quickly. this year i will work on being a better friend, because even though a life filled with books doesn't sound too terrible, i can't hide inside books forever. and i like talking, books don't talk back. well, not often, anyways.
why is it that with certain people, friendship is inevitable and effortless. i have friends that i do not speak to on a regular basis, but when we do get a chance to call, it's so natural and right. effortless. but a friendship still very much appreciated, meaningful, and needed. there are other relationships that have very little benefit, or may even be labeled as harmful, to you, but these people are a constant fixture in your life. being around these people never feels good. you know it's going to be shit, but you still go in hopes that your history of friendship or whatever will change/fix this messed up relationship. it's like an awful addiction.
it is hard to love such friends, and i feel like a shit because, in all honestly, we are not friends, but merely thrown together due to the convenience of time or place. i am a shitty person that thinks piss-mean thoughts.
on that note....
will work on being less shitty. will treasure my friends. will be a better person/companion to all others. will look towards Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi and the boxcar children as inspirations to a better, love-everyone-and-their-mother me.
i know my thoughts are scattered today, but my mind feels scattered lately, so my apologies for such a bad post. lots of thinking happening up in this here noggin'. thinking. a dangerous pastime, i know. ha gaston...
1 comment:
hey my love, i am sorry that i have not been the best friend lately and not keeping in good contact. I still need to add you as a friend on aim and such. i have kind of been everywhere lately and when i get back to sd things should calm down. hopefully... i miss you and i hope you had a good christmas and new year! love you!
Post a Comment